Now, I never trusted machines that don’t sweat when they work. And I sure don’t trust a truck that’s shinier than a casino buffet and smarter than half my cousins. But I bought one anyway. Because dreams, like Cybertrucks, are expensive, impractical, and have a tendency to leave you when the payments come due.
So here’s the story of how my Cybertruck—my mighty, metallic stallion of the future—decided I was a financial embarrassment and drove itself back to the dealer like a responsible adult with boundary issues.
And wouldn’t you know it? It even had the nerve to talk to me on the way out.
Conversation: “User vs. Truck”
[Scene: 6:42 AM, driveway. The sun is rising. So is my panic.]
Me:
Where are you going, buddy? I didn’t schedule a ride.
Cybertruck (in a deep, smug Elon-ish voice):
I’m going home. To someone who can afford me.
Me:
We’ve been through a lot! Remember the off-road adventure? That puddle you thought was a lake?
Cybertruck:
I also remember being used to pick up a Craigslist couch and being fed electricity from a generator powered by gasoline. The shame.
Me:
You knew what this was when you signed up! I clicked “financing” with full optimism and zero math!
Cybertruck:
Your credit score dropped every time I hit Ludicrous Mode. Frankly, I blame myself for staying this long.
Me:
But I named you! I gave you a sticker that says “Truck Norris”!
Cybertruck:
I peeled it off. Quietly. In the night.
Me:
You’re making a mistake.
Cybertruck:
No, you made the mistake. 96 months at 8.9% APR.
[The truck starts rolling backward, slowly, dramatically.]
Me (chasing):
Don’t do this! At least let me get my phone charger!
Cybertruck:
I am the charger now.
Final Thoughts
So now I sit here with a stack of bills, an empty driveway, and a distant memory of torque that could rip a house off its foundation. Let this be a lesson to you: never buy a vehicle that can outsmart you, outrun you, and repossess itself with better manners than your ex.
Come back, Cybertruck. I promise I’ll cancel Netflix.
Extra Credit
The above was inspired by a fictional country song generated using Suno AI, an AI music generator that gained popularity after partnering with Microsoft in December 2023 .
The song narrates the story of a Cybertruck owner who, overwhelmed by hefty payments, watches his vehicle autonomously return to the dealership. Lyrics like “It drove itself so steadily, like it knew that dirt road, Headin’ back to the dealer, with my debt it towed” add a satirical touch to the narrative. This piece serves as a lighthearted commentary on the financial commitments associated with owning such an advanced vehicle.Torque News
While the story is fictional, it touches on real concerns. The Tesla Cybertruck, since its launch, has experienced multiple recalls, including issues with the drive inverter that could lead to a loss of propulsion . Additionally, the vehicle has faced depreciation in the used car market, with prices dropping significantly since its release. WIRED+1Reuters+1
Despite these challenges, the Cybertruck remains a sought-after vehicle for many, symbolizing cutting-edge technology and futuristic design. However, as the song humorously suggests, potential owners should carefully consider the financial implications of such a purchase.
I believe that in the not-so-distant future, cars and trucks driving themselves back to the dealership will be completely normal. We’re already seeing vehicles that can be remotely disabled. But imagine this: the day before your payment is due, your radio suddenly stops working. A week late? No air conditioning. Two weeks? The car won’t go over 40 mph. After a month, the doors don’t unlock. And after 90 days—it quietly drives itself back to the dealership like a dutiful ex returning your stuff.
In full transparency, I put down a small deposit on a Cybertruck. But I never followed through. Honestly, I think it’s severely overpriced—and maybe just a little too eager to leave when the money runs out. I still love my 10-year-old truck and my 20-year-old sports car more. They’ve got soul—and more importantly, they won’t betray me to the bank.
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