Control them. Suppress them. Eliminate them. Become calmer. Become more agreeable. Become easier to deal with.
But Nietzsche’s warning is more complicated.
What if, while trying to eliminate the undesirable trait, we accidentally eliminate the force behind it?
What if the devil and the angel are sometimes powered by the same engine?
THE STUBBORN CHILD
Imagine two children.
One is easygoing. The other is stubborn.
The stubborn child argues. Questions instructions. Refuses to give up. Wants to know why.
Parents and teachers may spend years trying to eliminate that stubbornness.
And sometimes that is necessary. A child must learn discipline, cooperation and respect.
But there is another possibility.
That same stubbornness may eventually become: Persistence. Determination. Independence. Courage. Entrepreneurship.
The ability to continue when everybody else quits.
The problem was never necessarily the stubbornness.
The problem was that the child had not yet learned how to use it.
ANGER IS NOT ALWAYS YOUR ENEMY
Anger can destroy a person.
Uncontrolled anger can destroy relationships, careers and families.
But anger itself is also information.
Anger tells us: Something matters. A boundary has been crossed. Something is unfair. Something needs to change.
There is energy inside anger.
The question is not simply: “How do I stop being angry?”
The more useful question may be:
“What am I going to do with this energy?”
Uncontrolled anger punches a wall.
Disciplined anger organizes a movement.
Uncontrolled anger attacks another person.
Disciplined anger builds a company to solve the problem that created the frustration.
Same fuel. Different engine management.
PRIDE CAN BECOME SELF-RESPECT
We are frequently warned about pride.
And for good reason.
Too much pride produces arrogance. It makes people incapable of admitting mistakes.
It prevents them from learning.
But remove pride completely and something else can disappear with it: Self-respect. Standards. Dignity.
The willingness to say: “I can do better than this.”
There is a difference between believing: “I am better than everyone else.”
and believing: “I refuse to become less than I am capable of becoming.”
The first is arrogance. The second can be ambition.
OBSESSION BUILDS THINGS
We often tell people not to obsess over things.
And again, there is wisdom in that. Obsession can become destructive.
But history contains an enormous number of people who became extraordinary precisely because they were willing to think about a problem far longer than normal people considered reasonable.
At some point society stops calling that obsession.
We start calling it dedication.
The behavior may be remarkably similar. The outcome determines the vocabulary.
SOCIETY LIKES COMPLIANT PEOPLE
There is another uncomfortable side to Nietzsche’s warning.
Societies naturally reward predictability. Schools reward children who sit still.
Companies reward employees who follow established procedures.
Institutions reward people who do not create unnecessary trouble.
Families sometimes reward children who cause fewer problems.
And none of that is inherently wrong. Civilization requires cooperation.
But there is a danger.
If we become too successful at producing obedient people, we may accidentally suppress the people most likely to challenge bad ideas.
The person who asks: “Why are we doing it this way?”
is annoying right up until the old way stops working.
Then suddenly that person becomes valuable.
Almost every major innovation began with someone refusing to accept the statement:
“That’s just how it is done.”
REBELLION NEEDS DIRECTION
Rebellion by itself is not wisdom. Sometimes the establishment is correct.
Sometimes rules exist because somebody already learned the lesson the hard way.
A person who rejects everything simply because it is conventional is no wiser than the person who accepts everything because it is conventional.
The valuable trait is not rebellion. It is independent judgment.
That distinction matters.
A rebellious teenager says: “You cannot tell me what to do.”
A mature independent thinker says: “Explain why we are doing this, and I will decide whether the reasoning makes sense.”
The energy did not disappear. It matured.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DESTROY THE WOLF
There is an old instinct in human beings to divide ourselves into two categories.
Good. Bad. Angel. Devil.
We imagine personal development as removing everything from the bad column.
But human psychology is rarely that clean.
Aggression can become courage.
Fear can become caution. Pride can become standards.
Stubbornness can become perseverance. Restlessness can become curiosity.
Rebellion can become independence. Competitiveness can become excellence.
Suspicion can become skepticism. Obsession can become mastery.
The goal isn’t necessarily to destroy these forces.
It is to put them under command.
SELF-MASTERY IS NOT SELF-SUPPRESSION
This may be the most important distinction.
Self-suppression says: “I should not feel this.”
Self-mastery says: “I feel it. Now I decide what happens next.”
Those are completely different ideas.
The first attempts to eliminate part of yourself.
The second attempts to govern yourself.
You cannot command an army by pretending half the soldiers don’t exist.
You have to know what forces you possess.
You have to understand their strengths.
You have to understand their dangers.
And then you have to decide where to deploy them.
That is self-mastery.
YOUR WORST QUALITY MAY BE YOUR GREATEST ASSET
Think about the criticism you have heard repeatedly throughout your life.
“You’re too stubborn.” “You think too much.” “You ask too many questions.”
“You’re too competitive.” “You never let anything go.”
“You’re impatient.” “You don’t like authority.”
“You always have to understand how everything works.”
Perhaps those criticisms are correct.
But before trying to eliminate the trait, ask a more interesting question:
What is the useful version of this characteristic?
If you are impatient, perhaps you see inefficiency before other people do.
If you distrust authority, perhaps you are naturally skeptical.
If you argue constantly, perhaps you have an analytical mind that needs discipline.
If you obsess over details, perhaps you have the temperament required for engineering.
If you hate losing, perhaps you possess enormous competitive energy that needs perspective.
Personal growth does not always mean becoming somebody different.
Sometimes it means learning how to properly operate the person you already are.
DON’T REMOVE THE ENGINE BECAUSE THE CAR GOES TOO FAST
Imagine buying a sports car and discovering that it is difficult to control.
One solution would be to remove the engine.
The car would become extremely safe. It would also become useless.
The intelligent solution is better brakes. Better steering. Better suspension.
Better training for the driver.
Human beings are not much different.
Strong personalities require strong control systems.
The solution to excessive ambition is not necessarily eliminating ambition.
It may be developing ethics. The solution to aggression may be discipline.
The solution to pride may be humility.
The solution to stubbornness may be learning when evidence requires changing your mind.
You don’t necessarily reduce the power.
You improve the control system.
THIS IS WHY GREATNESS CAN LOOK UGLY WHEN IT IS YOUNG
Many admirable qualities begin their lives in crude forms.
Leadership can initially look like bossiness.
Confidence can look like arrogance. Curiosity can look like disobedience.
Independence can look like rebellion. Persistence can look like stubbornness.
Attention to detail can look like obsession. Ambition can look like dissatisfaction.
The mature form and the immature form may share the same psychological root.
Development is the process that separates them.
That is why simply punishing the immature version can sometimes be a mistake.
The better goal is transformation.
TRAIN THE DEMON
You do not need to celebrate every impulse you have.
Some impulses deserve resistance. Some behaviors absolutely must stop.
Self-acceptance does not mean giving yourself permission to hurt other people.
That would be a childish interpretation.
The point is different.
Recognize the force underneath the behavior. Then train it.
If you have anger, teach it discipline.
If you have ambition, give it purpose.
If you have pride, attach it to standards.
If you have stubbornness, attach it to perseverance.
If you have aggression, attach it to protection and competition.
If you have obsession, attach it to craftsmanship.
If you have rebellion, attach it to independent thought.
The raw material remains.
The direction changes.
THE PERSON YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX MAY BE THE PERSON YOU NEED
There is a strange possibility many people never consider.
Perhaps you are not supposed to eliminate every difficult part of your personality.
Perhaps some of it needs refinement rather than removal.
Perhaps the qualities that made childhood difficult are exactly the qualities adulthood will require.
Perhaps the thing that repeatedly got you into trouble is also the thing capable of getting you somewhere extraordinary—once you learn how to control it.
That is a much more demanding philosophy than merely telling people to “love themselves.”
It says: Study yourself. Know yourself. Confront yourself. Discipline yourself.
And then build something with what you find.
Because sometimes the most dangerous part of a person is also the most valuable.
Don’t kill your demons. Train them.
Because when you throw out the devil, you may discover too late that you threw away the fire with him.
